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Lions 3:410:00/3:41
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Dirt 3:330:00/3:33
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Two Hearts 3:340:00/3:34
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Pulse 3:500:00/3:50
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Roll Away The Stone 4:390:00/4:39
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As You Were Bleeding 4:210:00/4:21
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On The Rock 3:570:00/3:57
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Scatter My Bones 5:200:00/5:20
My Backstory
I grew up in a stable Christian family. We were always very involved with whatever church we were attending. I spent a lot time in and around church in my early, pre-high school years whether I wanted to or not. My father was in the military, so we moved around a bit, but so did most of the other kids who were around me. There always was a lot of movement. This was just a normal part of my reality growing up as an "army brat". It was cool and also hard all in the same breath.
As far back as I can remember nervousness, anxiousness, and insecurity were forces in my life. I was a very shy and polite kid. For a short time I was put on Ritalin to combat my hyperactivity. This only strung me out. Alternative treatments were explored and somewhat successful without turning me into a zombie. School was a struggle. Today I probably would have been diagnosed with ADHD.
Life was good for the most part. I got to be a kid with no unusual expectations other than the pressure to be and act like a Christian. I can see now that a resentment towards christianity had begun to form at this point partly because of this pressure. It was a real eye opener when I realized not all families were the same; not all families went to church and believed the Bible. Sometimes these differences made me the object of ridicule. This was the beginning of the big lie don't be yourself hide this part of your life.
I often fantasized about myself, wishing I was all the things I thought I wasn't; looking outward at television and my peers, comparing and coming up short. At times I felt invisible. I did, however, discover that getting in trouble was an easy way to be noticed. I also found pity to be a useful tool. I would imagine being dead and enjoying the thought of people being sad, missing me. I was not suicidal, that would come much later, just questioning. Why was I born? Why this family? Is God even real? Why does it feel hard being me?
I know questioning and rebellion are pretty normal for most kids as they begin to discover themselves and the world around them. I just never grew out of it or had any resolution. Even when I made the decision to walk away from the God part of my upbringing. I Just wandered through life, struggling with my identity and God in silence. Hoping somehow everything would just work out one day.
Internally I was pretty confused and angry. I still had a good childhood. I had friends, I had fun and got to do many things. I loved my family and was treated well and home was safe. I was truly blessed growing up. I would be very much dead if it wasn't for the prayers of my parents and their circle of faithful prayer warriors. I am convinced of this. It was really me, I was the one who created a lot of the chaos in my home. I don't want to just paint a complete picture of this tortured unhappy person. There was plenty of good, not perfect, but good.
I loved music and really when I think back as far as I can I always wanted be a musican. I wanted to be a drummer but my parents bought me a guitar. I am so glad they did. My brother was 4 years older than me he loved hard rock bands like Kiss and Alice Cooper. Everything he loved I loved. I was exposed to lots of music because of him. I lived in Europe for four years when I was young. I remember seeing street musicians and thinking I want to do that one day. In the beginning I wanted to become the greatest guitar player in the world, eventually I realized that song writing is far more satisfying. Did I choose music for attention? Did I choose it because it came somewhat easy to me and maybe if it happened I might not have to grow up? Or was it what God had place inside of me? I have always struggled with it, hating and loving it. Music would be come my first love, my escape, my God and my idenity. It would be my best friend and worst enemy.
This is just a snapshot of me when I was young. I hope it gives some context and a beginning to the journey these songs describe. My goal is to share this album on this website like a book one song at a time in chapter form. If someone is reading this. Thank you for taking the time. God bless you for real :)