Brian Toogood - Chapter 5 "Scatter My Bones"

Scatter My Bones- (words and music by Brian Toogood) Official and Live off the floor video links at the bottom of the page.

This is a death song of sorts, a suicide note perhaps, a cry for help. It's a confession that at this stage of my life I was no longer in control and could not help myself. It is written from the place of complete exhaustion and brokenness. Written from a place where I wanted everything to end. Where I had tried everything I could to fix myself and failed. Life had not gone the way I had planned and I knew it never would. The last two years in that time had done me in. I sank to lows I still can't believe I reached and felt terror and anxiety at levels that I cannot fathom today. I acted in ways that embarrass me. I let myself be completely controled and abused. It was a total nightmare. When I look back at some of the things that happened I am ashamed and horrified, but I realize that I was not well and it didn't happen overnight. Today I am grateful for every breath and ever sober, sane thought I have . There is nothing special about me. I am blessed to be alive. Others I know do not have that luxury anymore. It was not luck but truely grace from a God I hated. A God who my parents prayed to daily to do what ever it takes to save me. The bottom was deep. It was not easy climb, I had to crawl for every inch of ground gained but that is another story in itself.

A Brief Summary of the Last 10 years After High School

My identity was tied up in band life . I'm now embarrassed to admit, I wanted to be a rock star (not very punk rock of me). I held a false belief that if only I was famous, then all my problems and my self-esteem issues would disappear. I would be validated and people would look up to me and I would no longer be the loser I thought I was. I must confess it was a bit of a prop at times and my love for playing guitar and working on music diminished and suffered. Lifestyle and partying took its place. I am grateful for music. I believe had I not found it I would either be in jail or dead. It gave me a sense of worth no matter how misguided that was.

I worked in restaurants. I seemed to be good at it and it was always full of beautiful freaks and vagabonds like myself. There were many drunken adventures. It was more rock and roll than rock and roll. In that industry you worked till 2 am and partied till the sun came up. There was always an abundance of jobs, and if you had to go on the road and the boss wouldn't give you the time off there was always another job waiting. Most of my employers loved having me and always tried to keep me. I guess I was entertaining and I worked hard. I always liked to stay long in every job I had. I hated looking for new jobs and I loved the comfort of familiarity and frankly, I was lazy. Also, in my mind it was irrelevent because as soon as someone discovered me I'd be out in a heartbeat.

I was in a couple relationships. They never lasted. Looking back I know now I was too in love with myself and the idea I had about who I was. In my insecurity about myself I was insanely jealous and verbally abusive, especially when I was drinking. I sometimes used relationships as a way to try to get normal and straighten out. The truth is I could not. Eventualy the real Brian would emerge. Truthfully I never had any business being in a relationship. I did not have the ability to deliver on any of my promises and had little to offer long term.

Most of my life was pretty redundant lots of gigs and going to shows. I did however have many beautiful and amazing friends and commrads. Many of these are no longer here. Some I still have some contact with and some who are still trying to swim.

I invested alot of time in drunkeness and partying. Drying out from benders. Hiding out. Fear and embarassment from being black out drunk. Wondering how I got home searching my body and pockets for clues. Occasionally I would cry out to God pleading for him to get me out of the messes I would find myself in. Never fulfilling my end of the deal. However, I always seemed to get out of each hole and forget quickly.

Alcoholic?

I didn't realize it then but when I look back the obsession to control my drinking and prove to myself I was in control was born at a sunday matinee punk rock show at Flashbacks. I would have been about 19, I think it was the Nils from Montreal. it was an all ages show so there was no alcohol. I got to the show late and was completely hung over, shaking badly needing a drink. Once there in complete anxiety was the first time I questioned my drinking. I asked my friend Mike If he thought I was an alcoholic, His response was basicaly “no way” I am too young. It seems the moment I asked the question was the moment I crossed the line. A lot of the next 10 years would be about trying to control this beast and trying to protect and preserve it to prove to myself I wasn't alcoholic. One thing I have learned is people who dont't have problems with substances don't usualy ask the question. Years later after getting sober for the last time, a friend asked me if there was a pill I could take that would enable me to drink “normal” so to have only a couple drinks, would I take it. My response and still to this day was to look at him like a dog with my head cocked sideways and say, “ I don't want a couple drinks, I want a hundred drinks.” It doesn't make sense to my addict brain to have a couple, I never wanted a couple, I want to drink till I disappear. The only time I had a couple was if none could be had or if I ran out of money, or I was trying to prove a point. Now I see that I would become extremely aggitated, angry or depressed if not drinking to intoxication.

I am careful to not bring people into this. I do not want to disrespect anyone who was there with me. I don't want to devalue any of my friendship. I was the one with the problem. There were moments of fun and laughter, but under the surface darkness always loomed for me. I always knew the day would come when I would have to face truth about my past and who I was and the mess i had been making.

I was pretty much able to create a life that was about as opposite to the one I was running from as possible. I remember looking at the wreckage I had caused and the damage I had done to my self and thought, “I'm not like this. I wasn't raised like this”. Well the hard truth I had to swallow was: I am like this.

Scatter My Bones is about coming to my end where I didn't care anymore. I was tired and just wanted it all to stop... I tried many things, I tried to change at times. I tried to be sober in the last days of my old life. That never seemed to work. I just couldn't get it right. I was broken beyond human help and death would be my saviour. When I decided that I needed to take my life because it was the only thing left I hadn't tried I actually felt a peace come over me. Truthfully I wanted to live. I just did not know how.

But I always prayed…

Scatter my Bones (Words and Music by Brian Toogood)

knuckles bloodied ,bruised Knocking wood ain’t been good to you

This life is a storm,twisted and torn,Nothing left here to lose

Life is a curse How could death be any worse

Tick, tock goes the clock ,time only mocks me back to the earth

Scatter my bones over top of my grave

Its the only thing I'll leave behind here in this place

No memories or traces of me

Not a print to be found Just lower me down,Into my cold dark grave

Chorus

I fear for my soul ,Sunday school told me see

I fear for my soul ,no prayers to be said

No tears to be shed ,on that final day

This wicked old world, has no room for me

God save my soul, or take me away

Ya I believe, there's no salvation for me

Oh I crossed the line,knew wrong from right,my reward is the fire

Day after day, darkness keeps me company

Not a morsel of faith,everything is in vain

God has forsaken this place

Scatter my bones,over top of my grave

I tried and I tried,to repent for my crimes

And start over again