Brian Toogood - Chapter 2 "Dirt"

Dirt (words and music by Brian Toogood) The links for the official , live off the floor Video and lyrics are at the bottom of the page

This is the second song in the story. The lyrics in the chorus: Afraid of the fire, I don't wanna burn / Just want to live and die and rot in the dirt, is a thought and a frustration I held and voiced in regards to life and what might come after. I always believed that there had to be more, that this couldn't just be it. I didn't want to but I did. Maybe it was just because I was raised to believe that, or maybe it was something planted deep in my DNA. Either way it didn't matter. I was angry at the possibilty that what I did in this life might actually matter in the next. I never asked for that and I resented it. Nobody asked me. It was something I tried hard not to think about.

Growing up we always had an abundance of those creepy religious tracts with the cartoons of demons and hellfire, the ones with the drugged out sinners and loose women on the road to hell. Warning you of the dangers and consequences of a life lived for oneself. Where satan sometimes shows up with horns, tail and pitchfork and offers you a contract to sell your soul for all the pleasure of this world, and then one day he comes to collect. These tracts scared the hell out of me and really distorted my view of who God is, if I even believed there was a God. I definitely did not see him as love although I was taught that he is. On the one hand I wanted to comply out of fear because if it was true there was a real possibility of being doomed to a lake of fire. On the other had there was a whole world I had no clue of but wanted desperately to discover and enjoy. The apple looked good to this hungry sinner.

I loved music; the harder, the louder, the better. I played guitar off and on and but could never make it sound the way way it did on the records I listened to. When I moved to Edmonton I met a kid that I went to school with in Germany. He knew every AC/DC. and metal riff you could think of. He was awesome, and we became friends. He also introduced me to smoking pot. I loved it. I learned everything I could off of him. We would jam in his bedroom to records and get high sometimes. One of the conversations we would consistently have was what it will be like when we were in bands. This was grade 8 and that summer was awesome.

Punk Rock

I had another group of friends, and we started getting into punk rock in late grade 8. My One of them went to England and brought back lots of records and punk rock paraphernalia. Punk was a totaly different reality. I liked it, it was wild, crude, dangerous. It was loud and obnoxious. It was anti-religion, anti-society, anti-almost everything. The Clash, the Ramones, the Sex Pistols. I loved it all. And best of all most people and parents hated it.

I ended up seeing the Clash and that was a game changer for me. After that we went to a local hardcore show, we were the only kids there and I feared for my life that night. But the cool thing about it was the people who were getting on the stage were people I would see hanging around downtown. That made an impression. Maybe I could do that. I can't be in AC/DC but maybe I could join a punk band.

Ironically, I got introduced to American hardcore in Sunday school. We listened to a preacher guy from LA talk about the Punk scene and how Rock and Roll and Punk was all demonic, violent, anti-christ. He played clips from songs by Black Flag, The Circle Jerks, Dead Kenedys . In a strange way church introduced me to it. I liked it. While he was deconstructing the lyrics and the music I was thinking where do I find these records.

Overdose

I had a bad experience close to the end of grade 9. I almost died. I ingested a lot of alcohol and I believe in my intoxicated state I took a whole bunch of pills I had saved, stolen from my parents medicine chest. My parents said it was a miracle I was alive and God told them to go home that night because there was something very wrong. When they got there there was vomit everywhere and they found me face down. I believe I died for a moment that night. I have this weird memory of seeing myself in my bed. I don't remember much, waking in the shower being held down and going into convulsions . After that I woke up in the hospital. This wasn't a good time in the Toogood house. I was pretty out of control and scared. Very confused and angry. I am very sorry for what I put my parents through. I told them they should have let me die. I guess the good that came out of this was it would be some time before I touched any alcohol or drugs again. I was pretty scared.

Case Closed

After that my parents had me hang out with an older guy on the weekends. He was a bit rough who had lived a life druging and drinking but was a Christian now. He was supposed to influence me. I ended up trusting him and maybe almost buying into Christianity (it was nice to be around an adult who let me be myself and speak openly). Then he burned me and that was it for me and Christianity. I slammed shut the book on that, no thank you. Hypocrites and weaklings, case closed.

I had a really embarrassing sexual experience that scarred me and I tell you this only because it relates to my anger towards God and another piece in me wanting nothing to do with Christianity. The details aren't important, but this experience played a huge part in some lies that I created. This also played a big part in my love of being intoxicated and high.

My Life's Ambition

Being in a band was what I wanted to do with my life, this was my greatest and only ambition. The first week of grade 10 I ran into a guy on the bus that would change the course of my life and basically derail high school. He was in a hardcore band and was looking for a guitar player. They actually had a real gig and with in a month I was in the band and got to open up at the infamous Spartans Mens Club for SNFU. My new life began. I had arrived. I was finally apart of something that was my own , I belonged I wasn't completely invisible anymore. I was reborn.

Still I was haunted by the issue of God and life. Later on alcohol would become a great ally to quiet that concious.

But I always prayed…

Dirt

My racing heart Pounds under the moon

Night after night An angry mob Storms into my room

Calling out my sins can I be forgiven

can’t help myself I’m just a kid

damned before I’ve even lived

I need to find A place of my own

without God or boundaries Where anything goes

Slam shut the book That’s haunting me

I wanna believe What I want to believe

Be the saviour in my own story

Chorus

Afraid of the fire

Don’t wanna burn

Just want live and die

Than rot in the dirt

Afraid of the fire

I'll take the chance

I’ll slip in

I’ll Breath out my last breath

I’m out the door

I ‘m making my way

To anywhere but here To be anyone but me

My new skin’s a little thin

Don’t look close it doesn’t fit

In time I’ll grow into it

Bridge

London’s calling Out to me

Finally a voice I can believe

afraid of the fire Don’t wanna burn J

ust want live and die Than rot in the dirt

I have arrived Life here is grand

There blowing kisses To me from the stands

A shaky hand in front me

Sinking sand under my feet

not much but its home sweet to me