Brian Toogood - Chapter 6 "As You Were Bleeding"

As You Were Bleeding- (words and music by Brian Toogood) Official ,Live off the floor video links and lyrics are at the bottom of the page.

This is my rescue song. It is where the new life is about to begin and the old life that doesn't want go out peacefully begins to die. It is also a boast about the goodness of God. And the admission of my pride and sin and my need to be saved. Thats alot for one little song. It's also the realization that I did not know how to live and I needed to be taught. I didn't have to fake it anymore.

This is the part of the story where at the last second hope begins and I am put on a path to reconstruction and healing. Where I begin to see the hands of God working through the most unusual circumstances and with the most unlikely people. Where slowly and quietly I am introduced to a God of love . A God who reached into the fire pulled and me out and still allowed me to hate him until the day I finaly realized it was not him I hated but the concept I built about who he was. It wasn't God I hated but my understanding of God. The God I believed in was cruel and cold. Who took your freedom and made you into a puppet and sent you to hell.

This new God allowed me to take all of my past including my christian upbringing and what I thought I knew about him from church and start fresh. This new God worked with me where I was and let me come to him at my own pace. Not using fear to motivate but love and actual interaction. This wasn't easy and It was hard sometimes not to default to the old idea. Everntualy my faith would grow.

I am now able to look back and see the order, grace and precision in his plan and see that he was always with me even in the darkest and most frightning parts, even when he was my enemy. Today my life, my sobriety, my mental health is precisous to me and I don't take it for granted. It was a very slow process but I know if it had been quick I would have dont it all over again.

The Last 6 Months

My life leading up to this moment was a nightmare. I finally got free from the relationship I was in. though I had no ideal of who I was anymore. Guilt, anger and shame controlled me. I tried to go back to old haunts and ways but I wasn't the same. I just felt empty, damaged and used up, I felt old. I was full of anxiety and fearful, especially about the experience I just came out of

In this time the're were situations that seems like I was being shown the insanity of my life and the reality of where it was heading. It was like I was being guided at times. I tried desperately to be in control. However this was a losing exercise. I did not want anyone to know what was realy going on inside my mind. I was obsessed and scared that I was losing it and everyone could see it. My worst fear was , I am going crazy.

I did get back into a band, with most of the members of the last one was in. I had broke trust with these guys I had burned them and flaked out in the last band right when things seemed to be going really good, I just quit. Now I had to earn trust. There is much to say about that but I don't want to make this to long so I am going to head straight to the end.

My Last Night of Drinking

It was pretty bad but not the worst. I at least I made it home. There was a lot of drama that night. I a arrived late to the party I went to. I was mostly sober. When I got there my friends were already in fine form. One thing I remember about that night as I drank and watched the drunken drama and nonsense going on . I remember thinking this scene and these people are crazy .Everything here is pointless and we are all pathetic going absolutely nowhere.I did not want to be apart of it anymore. Although I got and hammered I still had very clear thoughts about what was going on and I knew needed pay attention.

The next morning when I woke up I did not know this would be the last time I would dry out but it was. I have not touched a drink since. This time was very different. I felt like hell and as I was beginning to go through withdrawals . I heard a voice. This voice was not so much audiable as it was just deep inside of me but loud. I just knew is it wasn't mine. The voice simply said “ you are going to die”. I had thought that before and cockily I would answer that thought with "I don't care. This time I was scared I knew this was real and my number was finally up. Maybe not at that moment but it felt like there were no more chances. I had to listen, I didn't want to die at 27 , I had not done anything with my life and in my arrogance I still believed I was capable of great things. .

So I did what I had done countless times before, I dried out. Announced to the word that I was done and figured I could just go back to normal. It wasn't uncommon for me after a bender to feel strung out for a week to two weeks. I figured I just had to wait it out. I was serious this time. My goal was to be sober for one year.

Dry Drunk

For the next 4-5 months I tried to change, I really did. I was clueless now to the damage I had done and powerless over my mental state. My anxiety got worse and did not go away after the two weeks as expected. As well I could not sleep.

I did get a job for a catering company that I had been previously fired from. God put some good people in my life at this time. One in particular was a christian but not like what I thought christian were like. We would talk around the table as we worked. She told me later that she was actually afraid of me. I felt safe talking to her about religion, God etc. I felt like I was able to be honest without worrying about being condemened or judged.

I stayed sober trying really hard to keep it together but it seemed like I was getting worse . this was so confusing to me . Wasn't I supposed to be getting better, Stronger? I wasn't drinking or using any drugs (mostly I abused Nquil) This was not the case.I kept quitting things, and adding things. Reading things, new age, religious, self help,exercise, diet. I started going to see a doctor. He was a good doctor because he didn't put me on medication although I wished he would. He wasn't quick to diagnos me. I wasn't sleeping , I would pretty much sleep maybe an hour a night or none at all then crash hard one day a week. It felt like hell, weeping and nashing of teeth and torment alot of the times all around me. I could not articulate how I felt and what was going on in words. Sometimes I thought maybe I was possesed. I was just scared all the time. I was having huge panic attacks these were complettly domanating me. When ever they would pass I was so afraid they would come back and then they would because I would have anxiety about my anxiety. I would talked to my mom I would call her in the middle of the night. Freaking out, I wanted help, I did not understanding what was going on. Did God hate me? Did I use up all my chances? I am so sorry for what I put my parents through. She would listen and Jesus and prayer was always the answer. This was the one I did not want to hear, as well I figured I had tried that. I figured I if I muster enough time and strength and eventually I would beat what ever was going on.

Church

One night I was playing a gig at the Rev(Bronx ) downtown ,I was having a major panic attack all through the night. I managed to get through the gig and got into a cab after I went to my parents. There house was always a safe place to be and felt like nothing could touch me there. I showed up at the house and slept on the floor of the basement. My mom woke me up in the morning and asked me to go to church. I declined. they explained where it was and how to get there. I had no intention of going. When they left it was like the panic came back and began to attack me all over again. I did not feel safe anymore. I had to get up. I jumped in the shower , got dressed., it was like I was having an out of body experience. I still was fighing with myself. I am not going to church, but I could not stop getting ready. It was like i was two people, which I kind of was. I left the house and start walking and then almost jogging. I know this sounds crazy but it felt like I was being pursued , like something did not want me to go to church. Soon I began to run and when I reached the school(this is where the church was) I opened the door and standing there was this giant of a man(George Feller, who was the pastor) I crumpled into his arms and just began weeping.I really did not want to be there but I didn't know what else to do, I was so racked with guilt and shame and hate. I was a mess. I know now God does his best work with messes. My mom later told me there was a women who saw this strange man running through the feild and just felt that she needed to pray for me. ( thank you whoever you are).

I tried to read my bible , go to church, pray but I still wanted to hold on to my pile of misery and garbage. There were things I would give up, those were the obvious ones that were killing me. I just wanted God to heal me, which he didn't . I began to lose hope in God and christianity. I wanted an easy fix.

I keep seeing my doctor he tried his best and on my last visit. He told me “Brian I can't help you anymore, I can put on drugs for the rest of your life, but I don't want to and I think you don't want me to either”. I felt like all hope was lost . What I heard him say way you are hopeless.

I tried to hold on but I was getting weaker and weaker and I was exhausted. I would pace all night and white nuckle it till the morning. The last straw and where I hit my bottom was at work one day I was speaking to a friend . I was telling him that I didn't know what to do, I didn't know why I can't seem to get it together. His answer for me was that maybe I should start drinking again. It seems so crazy but it is what he said. When he said that in that moment I thought “no” whether it was pride or something else. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do. My next thought was ok I am going to kill myself, I have tried everything else but this. I felt peace. It happened so fast I didn't have a plan but it made complette sense.

God Intervenes … A.A.

I went home called my mom,balling. I told her I was sorry, I told her that I was done. I had tried Jesus, I tried sobritey, I tried everything I could think of and even my doctor even told me I was hopeless. Nothing worked I was broken beyond repair and it was time to leave. My mom immediately hung up on me. My phone ran, I picked it up, it was a women my mom had met along time ago. She had helped me over the years I would speak with her every so oftem when things got out of control and she always mad me feel better. She had had a very colourful life. Drugs, alcoholism. Abuse . She seemed to be able to connect with me. I guess we had some things in common. She had helped me through the last relationship and understood abuse and being abusived. I told her about the last 5 months and that I was done trying and that I wanted to die. I can't remeber exactly what she said after that, but I remember her sweet laugh. She always was able to put me at ease. She asked me to try one last thing. She told me she was in Alcoholics Aynonomus and was going to a meeting that night. This seemed crazy to me, I figured since I had quit alcohol I wasn't an alcoholic. I had been sober in my opinion for all this time so I had moved on from that as an issue. I knew nothing about being a dry drunk, which I was at that moment . I trusted her so I agreed.

I went to the meeting I did not know what was going on , I just wanted to get up and scream , it was hard to listen.I did hear something someone said that got my attention. It was about squirels in the head, I could relate. When the meeting was over she introduced me to a few people and two men drove me home. One was a man who was about to change my life forever. ( she told me later she hand picked him to be at the meeting that night but truthfullly she did not like him, but after praying she felt God had put him on her heart to meet me there ). These two men drove me home, I hated them, I thought the were pathetic. They talked about their drinking war stories and the situations they got into. I felt like the were bragging. I now know they were just trying to make a conection. When he got to my house we sat outside out and talked for a bit. He asked my if I want to go to another meeting. I responded with." I think its great you found A.A. but I didn't need it". I told him that when I make my mind up to do something I do it. This is funny to me now because just a few hours earlier I had made a decision to kill myself and now I had enough balls to say this to these two men. The words that came out of his mouth will never be forgotten, they saved my life. This old little Irish man who I didn't know just laughed at me and said "Brian look at yourself, your pride is killing you" those words punched me in the gut. I had no clue what that really meant but i knew it was true because it hurt. Then he said" you are not sober." , which baffled me . He didn't know me. At that moment I didn't know much but one thing I knew for certain was I had not had a drop for almost 5 months. Then he destroyed any pride I had left he said “Sobriety is not just the absense of drugs and alcohol. Sobriety is peace of mind.” bullseye , I deflated. It felt so good, someone finaly got me. I didn't know what piece of mind was but I knew it was what I desperately needed and it sounded beautiful .I knew he knew how to get it. I knew he had it . I knew It was what I had been seeking my whole life. I agreed to go to more meetings. He gave me a big book, suggested I by a pack of cigarettes. He said quitting everything all at once is to much. Maybe give yourself a break. Cigarrettes will kill you but not as quick as the alcohol. I did and it took the edge off a bit. The journey began , true sobriety. Something changed that day. I didn't want to die . I finally felt like I was on the right track. I felt hope. I now had a tiny mustard seed of faith. It was enough and it felt huge. I was going to be ok.

Thank you Sammy , thank you A.A. I am forever grateful.

but I always prayed…

As You Were Bleeding (Words and music by Brian Toogood)

I was pulled from the flames

By the hands of mercy

Laid into the arms of grace

this must be my lucky day

You reached down into that grave

In deaths grasp you seized me

Laid into the arms of your grace

This is more then just a lucky day

Hopelessly adrift

Hidden by the vastness of the ocean

Upon this tiny raft your eyes were always fixed

Just waiting for me to let go of it

Chorus

I can’t but you can

Bring me back on to dry land

I can’t but you can

Turn stone into flesh

the weight of my chains

Every sinful link from out of this wicked heart I made

I’m guilty ,I’m owned either way

I give up I’ll tell you everything

Chorus

I can’t but you can

Be the light in my darkness

I can’t but you can

Turn stone into flesh

Chorus

I can’t but you can

storm a heart that is a fortress

I can’t but you can

Turn stone into flesh

Bridge

You knew me called me by name

This love was all needed

Even when I was an enemy

You forgave everything as you were bleeding

Chorus

I can’t but you can

Bring love where there’s hatred

I can’t but you can

Turn stone to flesh