Brian Toogood - Chapter 3 " Two Hearts"

Picture of Entirely Distorted (I am on the far right) by Louise Pezzanie , picture of me at the top by Rosemary Carol

Two Hearts (words and music by Brian Toogood) The link for the Official Video , the live video and lyrics are at the bottom of this page.

Two Hearts is the third song on this album. The song is written through the lens of a myself as a high school teenager and beyond. I have always struggled with the heart; the spirit; the light and darkness; good and evil, whatever you want to call the things inside that seem to war against each other. The conscience. The voices inside that seem to contradict each other. Wanting to do the “right” thing but pulled to the opposite which actually seems easier and sometimes looks a lot better. Sometimes it feels like I am two people.

It is also about realizing that this world is not a very nice place at times. In fact it is cruel and unfair and challenges the existence of God or a god that is love. It's about being unsure if I even wanted to participate in this madness, desiring to find my place, if there was even one.

Who Am I?

I had to remove everything in my life that told me who and what I am. Closing the book on the Bible , school, the church, my family to a certain degree, definitely anything Christian. Turning my life and will over to rebellion and punk rock, and all the things that go along with it. I was a really a pretty innocent. naive and sweet kid but the path I was choosing would over time take me away to a place I did not sign up for. I had no clue, I just thought I was freeing myself.

Once I started playing in the band my whole world changed. I had new friends, a new scene and identity. It felt like I had reached the promise land. I enjoyed the small amount of attention I recieved and loved the the new family I found myself in. I really believed in punk rock and the scene. I thought it could change the world . I loved going to the shows and hanging out, it felt like home. There were so many beautiful misfits that I ran with and related to. Many of whom are no longer here; casualties. I did see a lot of the same hypocrisy in the punk scene and the ideology that I saw in church. I just focused on the music and ignored and pretended it (hypocrisy) didn't exist.

School's Out

I got kicked out of school in grade 11 and moved in with my friend and dealer. He got me my first job in the restaurant business at the legendary Sidetrack Cafe. By that time partying and doing drugs had become a huge part of my lifestyle. I am not going to lie there were some really fun times. Alcohol was always a problem though. It seems like most times once I started I had no control and could not stop. Many times I was carried out of places, and blacking out was common. Mostly I just smoked a lot of dope and me and my friends would experinment with other things just recreationally. Many times swearing off alcohol.

There were moments of innocent fun and belonging, yet I still had an agonizing hole I couldn't seem to fill. I felt guilt. I mostly kept it to myself. My friends didn't seem to feel the same way I did. What was wrong with me , I would often think. I blamed it on religious indoctrination that would eventually pass as I freed myself.

I found myself depressed often.Suicidal ideation was part of my thought process . I got close but because deep inside I knew there was more I couldn't commit to doing it. My first real taste of death was at 19 when one of my good friends succeeded. It haunted me until I had what I believe to be a supernatural experience one night where something came into a friends apartment while I was grieving him and afraid that he might not be in a good place. I was high and very drunk but not out of my mind. After that experience I was ok, and thought he had come to visit me and let me know he was fine.

The issue of God and hell never went away. The fear would come and go usually awakened by some new low or sin I had done. I would try to settle myself with the promise that I would sort it out when I am much, much older. The honeymoon was over, the thrill of my freedom and liberation was gone.

I lived in a cycle during my high school years of being kicked out of school, couch surfing, punk houses, moving home, going back to school , making promises, partying and partying. This went on for a few years until I maxed out. I was going absolutely nowhere I would tell myself I'm a musician and how I lived was part of being an artist. Even though when I look back now I was pretty lost, and had no clue how to grow up. Other people I know where making plans, going to college, university. Had goals they were working on. Not me. I believed one day some one would discover me and that would be it. It was all I had. I was so intrenched in the scene as each year passed I wore it like it was a badge. People would leave and move on but there where always new kids to replace them.

I did pray at times. The prayers were God get me out of this one and I'll be good. There are so many tales to tell and a lot I can't remember because I was wasted for many, and sometimes when you are in the cycle it all becomes like one long day.

After high school some of my good friends left Edmonton and moved to the coast. I was pretty bummed about this. Being an army kid living in Edmonton was the longest I had been in one place and I felt like I just had arrived and now most of my good friends were leaving.

On the coast opiates were pretty rampant. A lot of my friends got into it. I never did. I was pretty afraid of them. I am very grateful I didn't. I don't think I would of been a good junkie. I am too sloppy. I have thought about why I hadn't and I realized that it is because I stopped trusting drugs. I had this acid trip that messed it all up for me. This acid was so dirty, it had so much speed in it. I couldn't peak and I haluncinated for hours and a friend held me in his arms because I was shaking so badly. I didn't think I was going to come back from that one. I did eventually come down and after that my relationship with drugs changed. I still smoked dope although eventually that stopped working. It started giving me anxiety unless I chased it with alcohol.

Sidenote

I do believe now the conflict and guilt and the duality I experienced was influenced by a decision I had made as a young kid. One summer I went to bible camp for a week. I really did not want to buy into what they were selling. In the end, at the last campfire I did accept Jesus into my heart. Something did shift but as quickly as the decision was made when I got back I chose to deny it. But what I can say is from that point on God was faithful and never left even when I did I see this in hindsight. The road ahead was not easy but that quiet voice never left and never condemned me. Only mine did.

But I always prayed…

Two Hearts

I was born with two hearts
Into a war I did not start
Into a life , I did not chose or even want
Into a world that looks confused and maybe to far gone
I was born with two hearts
Its a tug of war pulling me apart
One spits hate the other calls it love?
Who’s the enemy which one can I trust

Chorus
It seems like there is only two roads
One’s high, the other low
I’m on a broad highway
All alone with all this company

Broke out, free at last
Intoxicating for a moment
Then I came down fast
Looking for the formula to
Make this party last
Do a little of this and a little of that

I was born with two hearts
Been troubled from the start
Don’t want to look any higher up
Than here and now and what I can touch

Chorus
It seems like there is only two roads
One wide and the other narrow
I’m on the broad highway
All alone with all this company

Bridge

The guilt I feel never seems to stop
What I want to be right still feels wrong
One voice shouts above the chaos of my heart
Telling me You're still my son
The guilt I feel never seems to stop
What I want to be right still feels wrong
Even though I’m dragging you through the mud
What you start, you never stop or give up